As we in the Midwest are settling in to a short winter’s nap over the next two days, due to, as my friend Shelbi puts it, the “2011 Snow-Pocalypse (TM), brought to you by your local grocery store and snowblower retail outlet,” I just thought I would share with you this little gem that was posted on our door yesterday.
Our apartment office staff is nothing if not pro-active. So much so, that they thought they should let us know how precisely is the best way to behave when traversing the ice on our sidewalks and parking lots. I have no complaints, mind you. I am fully aware that my little family could be stuck in a rental with an unresponsive superintendent, leaving us waiting for days or weeks for, say, someone to attend to a broken heater. As it is, our tiny maintenance staff has to handle some of the most petty complaints from more than 800 apartments in a timely fashion, and they do it with a smile. Case in point — the heating element konked out on our microwave, and we had a brand new one by the end of the day. And today, our guys were outside by 7 a.m., snowblowing all the sidewalks. THAT is exactly the kind of thing that makes me think home ownership is overrated.
ANYHOO — Now that I’ve given the hard workers their due, I feel the need to share with you our exclusive Winter Storm Watch, which came rubber-banded to our doorknob, reminding us not to park our cars to overhang the sidewalks because, “We care about the safety of our residents,” and continues, “please see the back side of this notice for helpful winter safety tips.” I thought if anyone deserved to know the truth about how to walk on ice, it was my dear readers.
Please to enjoy and not to mock.
“Wear boots or overshoes with soles.” (Because sole-less shoes get your socks pretty wet.)
“Walk consciously. Avoid the temptation to run to catch a bus or beat traffic when crossing a street.” (Walking unconsciously is for zombies only.)
“Walk cautiously. Your arms help keep you balanced, so keep hands out of pockets and avoid carrying heavy loads that may cause you to become off balance.” (So use a hand cart to get the carpet-wrapped body to the trunk of your car.)
“Walk small. Avoid an erect, marching posture. When you step on icy areas, take short, shuffling steps, curl your toes under and walk as flat-footed as possible.” (Avoid the temptation to bust out the trombone and perform a kick-ass version of Chicago’s ’25 or 6 to 4′ while traversing the ice.)
“Keep your hands out of your pockets.” (In case you skipped number 3.)
“Watch where you are stepping, and go S-L-O-W-L-Y!!” (Not because of ice, but because many of our residents don’t pick up after their pets, especially in inclement weather, which is ridiculous, because everyone knows dog poo is easier to pick up off ice and snow rather than grass.)
“Point your feet out slightly like a penguin. Spreading your feet out slightly while walking on ice increases your center of gravity.” (You read that right. No, we didn’t mean to say “lowers” your center of gravity. We mean “increases.” Don’t ask questions about how precisely one increases a center of anything. If anybody knows anything about physics, it’s apartment managers.)
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